porn addiction

What have I got against sex?

     I was hanging a flyer for this group and someone walked by and asked me, "Dude, what have you got against sex?" 

     This is not an unusual question, and I think it's important to answer it. 

     NOTHING! Wow! I think sex is great!

     What can become problematic, however, is someone's relationship to sex. Not sex, itself, but how we relate to sexual behaviors and patterns.

  • Are you having sex when you'd really rather not?
  • Are you struggling to think about things other than sex--work, family, relationships, the kids, your future?
  • Are your sexual behaviors escalating in frequency or content?
  • Does it feel like sexual thoughts are running your life, not contributing to your life? 

     Self-defeating sexual behaviors or patterns can be a sign that there are other, often defensive, forces at work in our psyche--anger, shame, fear. These feelings can be so unbearable that sex "comes to the rescue!" It's very effective. So effective that other means of coping pale in comparison. Eventually, we lose sight of what role we really want sex to play in our lives. Over time, we become even more anxious, distraught, and isolated. And so, use more sex to bear these feelings.

    Group therapy provides us with a unique environment to find commonalities with others, identify underlying patterns and feelings, and explore a health(ier) relationship to sex and sexuality.  

    So, no...I don't have anything "against sex." I hope that sex is a vibrant, satisfying, "knock your socks off" part of your life. In a way that works for you. Not defined by me.

     

3 Signs You Might Be Struggling With Out of Control Sexual Behavior

Sex is a wonderful thing. A deeply intimate, spiritual, human experience!

What happens for us when our own consensual sexual behaviors and patterns start to feel "bad" or "wrong?" How do we define what is "healthy" versus "problematic" or "out of control"--especially when "sex" is often laden with guilt and shame to begin with? What is healthy for one individual may be quite problematic for another. 

We do, however, have our own internal barometers of what feels "right" or "good" before, during, and after a sexual interaction. Additionally, when our consensual sexual behaviors and patterns become "out of control", many men share some fairly common experiences

1. THE BLACK HOLE - ever sat down at the computer for a quick dose of porn or sexual online chat, and realize hours later that "it happened again?" It could be an hour, for some, and days, for others.

2. SPIN CYCLE - whew--finished with the latest sexual conquest or activity, only to begin immediately wondering when the next time will be? The next hit of sexual high or release? During work, time with a partner, spouse, or friends--always planning or plotting how to make it happen again.

3. RAISED EYEBROWS  - why does the boss keep looking at you funny? A large number of men, and women, use their work computers for sexual purposes. And an equal number of HR departments know about it. Maybe you've even been confronted with it at work, only to find yourself right back it.

There are ways to make effective changes in your relationship to sex. This, too, is an individual matter. Group therapy provides a facilitated approach to understanding what's underneath the labels, and begin to understand what these self-defeating sexual behaviors and patterns represent. In so doing, many men find hope and can begin to shift their relationship with sex that feels health(ier) for them.

 

Underneath the labels

‪#‎sexaddict‬ ‪#‎pornaddict‬ ‪#‎porn‬ ‪#‎sexualcompulsive‬

These "labels" are just that--labels. They can be helpful in some contexts to "join" with others, while in other contexts they can be stigmatizing and shaming.

There's more to be learned under the surface... What are these behaviors and patterns protecting us from, defending against, re-enacting for us.

Most importantly what does a healthy sexual life look like? And what's in the way?

Consider doing this work in a facilitated group that is not 12-step based nor is abstinence required.